JOKES TO SUIT EVERYONE
A woman has a heart attack and almost dies on the operating table. During her near death experience, she sees God and asks him, "Is it my time yet?" God responds, "No. You have another 40 years to live." The woman recovers leaves hospital and figures, since she's got 40 more years to live, she might as well get a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. As she walks out of the hospital, she's killed by a runaway ambulance. She goes up to heaven and says to God, "I thought you said I had another 40 years left?!" God replies, "Yes, but I didn't recognize you."
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "BEAR REMOVERS." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
A man met a woman and fell madly in love with her. He asked her to marry him right away. Her response was: "But we don't know each other at all, what if we don't get on?"
The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt that he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would work and they could get to know each other during their marriage. So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they found they were very compatible.
They were lazing by the poolside one day when the husband said he fancied a swim and his wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board and leapt off backwards. He did a triple spin, a forward turn and a double back-flip (piked) before entering the water with barely a ripple. The wife was amazed. When the husband came back to her she said: "Blimey! I didn't know you could swim like that!"
He replied: "Oh yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was the champion for ten years running."
They agreed that there was lots to learn about each other and that it was half of the fun finding out.
Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water, swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and lay on her sun lounger barely out of breath.
The husband was amazed. He said: "I can't believe it, did you used to be an Olympic swimmer too?"
"No, I used to be a prostitute in Hull and I worked both sides of the river."
Police have arrested two youths - one drinking car battery acid and the other eating fireworks. They've charged one and let the other one off.
Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his maths.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried tounderstand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said:
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, and said "no". "Well then," she
replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't messing around............
"What are Friends For?"
The young man was so pleased that he managed to get a ticket for the Superbowl match but when he got to the stadium, he found that his seat was so far back that he could hardly see the pitch.
Seeing an empty seat almost at the front of the stand he walked down the aisle and asked the older man sitting next to the empty seat if it was taken. "No" said the man, whereupon the young man moved in and sat down.
Making conversation the young man said, "I wonder why the seat is not taken?" "Oh" said the older man, "It used to belong to my wife. We have had season tickets for years. But she died." "Oh, I am sorry" said the younger man. "Didn't you have any friends who could have taken it up for the game?" "Yes" said the older man. "But they are all at the funeral."
Question: You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Manchester United fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Answer: Shoot the United fan twice.
Quasimodo comes home from work to find his mother with a Wok in her hand.
"Oh Mother, are we having Chinese stir fry for tea?" he asks.
"No son", she replies, "I'm just ironing your shirt!"
A flea had spent the evening in the pub. At closing time he hopped out and landed flat on his face.
"Who the hell moved my dog?" he said.
THE GREATEST IRISH PLANE DISASTER
A two-seater plane crashed on a graveyard in County Cork. The Irish police have so far uncovered 832 bodies and are expected to discover more through the night.
- Hello! If you leave a message I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call you sooner.
- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
A duck went into the pub and asked for a pint of beer. The barman said, "I don't believe it, a talking duck." The duck replied, "Never mind about that, I'm thirsty. I've been working on the building site over the road and I need a pint." The duck drank two pints and left. He then made it a regular thing, two pints after work.
One day a man from the circus came into the pub. The barman told him about the duck. The man from the circus told the barman to tell the duck to come and see him, as he would be offered a job for life and name his own wages.
The next day the barman told the duck about the man from the circus and his offer. The duck said, "Come off it, you must be joking". "No" said the barman; "I'm serious." The duck replied, "Come off it, what use is a plasterer in a circus?"
A man went to his boss's house for dinner. He said, "I'll have one potato, please". The boss's wife said, "You don't have to be polite you know". He said, "OK, I'll have one potato you silly cow".
A Derby County Fooball Club supporter is watching his team on television when the doorbell rings. He shouts to his wife to get out of the bath and answer the door. It's the bloke from next door. Seeing the wife with just a towel around her, he says, "If you give me a flash of your naked body, I'll give you £200". She thinks about it (a new dress and a new pair of shoes, maybe) and says, "OK". The man gives her the money and leaves with a smile on his face.
As the wife is going up stairs, the husband shouts, "Who was it, dear?" "Oh, just the bloke from next door" says the wife. The husband shouts, "Did he give you the £200 that he owes me?"
A man playing darts in the pub hit the wire with his first throw. The dart bounced out and hit a nun returning from the toilet between the eyes, killing her. His next two throws were treble 20 and single twenty. The scorer announced the score as,
"o n e n u n d e a d a n d e i g h t y"
An examination paper read, "Give four uses of breast milk?" The student began to answer the question.
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal the milk.
3. Available whenever necessary.
But the forth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes to go the much-required fourth point flashed to his mind.
4. Available in attractive containers.
A man said to his wife, "I've been told that the man at number 10 has made love to every woman in the street except one."
His wife replied, "It'll be that silly cow next door."
US scientists have made an important scientific breakthrough. The results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when proven wrong.
No further testing is planned.
A Polar Bear asks his mother if he really is a Polar Bear. His mother says, "Yes, or course you are, go and ask your dad".
He asks his dad the same question, and his dad replies, "Yes son, of course you are. You have white fur and eat Seals like me. Why do you ask?"
His son replies, "I'm bl**dy cold".
An Englishman on holiday in American Indian country saw a sign saying, "140 year old Indian knows everything. You get 25,000 dollars if he can't answer your question".
He went into his wigwam and asked him, "Wimbledon v Charlton Athletic, 25 September 1997, who scored the winning goal?" The Indian thought for a few seconds and said, "Bill Smith in the 67th minute". "Incredible, amazing" said the man.
10 years later the man was on holiday again in the area and saw the same sign, but 150 years old. He decided to go and see the Indian, but not ask him any questions as at 150 years old he didn't want to put him under any pressure. He went into his wigwam and said, "Remember me?"
The Indian thought for a moment and said, "Diving header".
Whilst the Germans were planning reunification celebrations after the collapse of the Berlin wall, it came to light that Adolf Hitler was still alive and well in Brazil. They sent a delegation to ask him to come back and run the new unified country.
After several days of negotiation, Hitler agreed, but said that this time there would be "No more Mr Nice Guy".
In Classified Ads under FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows bl**dy everything.
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break one morning. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best people to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best, because everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third responds, "You ought to take a look inside an electrician, they are all colour coded!"
The fourth surgeon intercedes, "I like operating on engineers, because they always understand if you have a few parts left over at the end!"
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, adds, "You're all quite wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on because they have no guts, no heart, no spine and their heads and backsides are inter-changeable!"